Classic Malibu Pastimes - Safety Second Inventing Practices

[iam_ironwoman]

A change of scenery.

That had been the excuse she'd offered, a reasoning for a trip south that Steve had happily accepted when she'd asked him to come along. Somewhere in the back of her mind Toni knew the trip was one of pure avoidance, a way around dealing with everything that had been bubbling up since this whole 'thing' had started with Steve.

She hesitated from calling it a 'relationship' or referring to him as a 'boyfriend'. They weren't words she was used to using to describe the men she spent her time with.

Their tentative new connection had been good for a week or so, when Toni had just been coasting on that rush of new attraction and trying to put the gathering knot in her belly out of mind. It hadn't taken that long to sink in though, all the issues present that she hadn't considered...

Discounting his frozen years, she was eighteen years older than Steve, as Pepper pointed out when Toni finally spoke to her on the topic; a figure that made her choke on her coffee and left her feeling like a wanna-be pedophile.

Then there was the fact that Toni hadn't dated the same person for more than seven or eight months at a stretch since college and being faced with the prospect of a partner who may well want to stick with her for longer than that, given that Steve's thoughts on relationships seemed to be as old fashioned as his thoughts on many other things.... well to be honest it made her chest knot up and her breath come short to think about it too hard, so she tried not to.

Toni threw herself headlong into solving 'more important things'; burying her nose in even her most neglected and back-burner-relegated lab projects, trying to distract herself from the building media attention in New York, from Fury's irritation, from Pepper's worried questions, from her own reeling anxiousness...

It worked for a while, but restlessness took root easily and once decided on the trip she'd been glad for the busywork of packing a bag, of travelling, of showing Steve around the Malibu house and it's property. They took a drive around the city, went to the beach, and despite it all, by the third day they were in Malibu, she was back to working feverishly to distract herself, up before even Steve's early rising hours making a holy mess of the garage.

Slamming into the ceiling right underneath the guest room like that had PROBABLY woken him up... Better adjust the repulsiors some more. And sweep up all the plaster she'd knocked out of the ceiling.

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[themanoutoftime]

Steve frowned, wondering what she needed to be distracted from. The only other person here was him, and he hadn't been doing anything particularly annoying, right?

"Oh." He took her hand anyway, pulling her up. "Sure."

[iam_ironwoman]

She led the way to the kitchen, starting the coffee machine first before digging into the fridge for all the necessary ingredients for her usual breakfast shake. Steve had made a horrible face the first time she'd offered him wheatgrass juice, but strawberry banana shakes had gone over pretty well.

Leaning on the counter, peeling two bananas, Toni chewed the inside of her cheek. She'd hoped working had been a neutral way to deal with her anxieties but apparently that wasn't the case if her burying herself in projects was putting Steve on edge. And ... well every once in a while she learned from her mistakes. Pepper's tongue lashing after she'd hidden her impending death from all and sundry a year ago had had at least a little impact.

"...can we talk for a minute, while I'm doing this?" she asked, letting out a slow breath. "By that I mean, can I talk and you listen and promise not to freak out too much until I'm done?"

[themanoutoftime]

It wasn't so much the burying herself in her projects. It was the fact that 'burying yourself' seemed to mean something different to Toni than it did to him. Too many times had Steve found her in a dead sleep in her workshop and thought she was just dead. He wasn't sure he could handle it.

"Sure. About what?"

[iam_ironwoman]

"About this... this whole thing with us." 'Relationship' felt too serious a word to put to it. She picked up a paring knife and started making quick work of the strawberries, focusing on her task to avoid his eyes.

"I feel like I haven't known what to do with myself since we first kissed." she sighed. "Don't take that to mean that I regret it, because I don't, or that I want us to stop with the kissing because no, no really don't want that. It's just... this is strange for me."

"I haven't had the same partner for longer than a few months since I was in my twenties. I'm used to a love life full of short encounters with people I want to sleep with but probably don't want to hang out with otherwise. It's served me well and now it's just what I'm used to."

"And then there's this thing with you, which is basically the opposite of all that."

[themanoutoftime]

Steve's brow furrowed as she spoke, and he grew more and more confused. Where was this coming from? Why would she kiss him in the first place if she was just going to tell him later that she didn't like him? That seemed cruel.

There was a slight pause when she was done, and he cleared his throat.

"Am I allowed to speak now?"

[iam_ironwoman]

"Just, one second okay?"

That confused almost mad expression that had knit across his face made her uneasy. She wasn't saying this right, obviously. Putting the fruit down she picked up a towel to wipe her hands and came across to the table, sinking into the opposite chair.

"I'm just trying to say that... I like you. And I know that seems like something we've established already but, ugh, how do I put this?

"You're... not my usual type. I mean, it's not like I have a very narrow type and in terms of being handsome and male you fit the bill, but I'm used to having a sort of neutral 'well you're okay' feeling about the people I take home with me. Those people don't make my knees feel like jelly every time they smile at me."

She rubbed at the back of her neck, blushing. Christ she'd really said that out loud...

"You are nothing like anybody I've dated in a long long time, and I think I like you more than anybody I've dated ever, and that's just sort of ... intimidating."

"What I mean is that I haven't felt SERIOUS about someone in an age and I don't think I'm doing it right. So I get anxious about fucking up something good, and then I try to distract myself and use work to sort out my thoughts. Hasn't been the most helpful this time though."

She let out a slow breath, then waved her hand toward him.

"Okay, that's all I've got. Go ahead."

[themanoutoftime]

Steve really wasn't sure what she was saying.

"So, you're afraid of me? Or, intimidated by-- by the thought of me?" That wasn't what he wanted at all. If she was trying to distract herself from him, then shouldn't they end it? Wouldn't that make the most sense? Steve had no idea. And, he really didn't want to end things.

"I--" he shut his mouth, taking a breath. "I like you, Toni. Just you. Not-- not whoever you think you are, but who you actually are. I don't want you to change yourself, I just want you to take care of yourself, because I can't always be here to do it. And I want you around."

[iam_ironwoman]

"That's not what I mean, it's not about being afraid of YOU really." She rubbed at her forehead, trying to fuss out the way to word this.

"Haven't you ever just felt surprised at yourself? Like something happened that made you feel angry or scared and you were shocked at just HOW upset you were?"

"It's like that, but I'm happy; I'm surprised at how happy I am and I'm afraid of doing something to ruin it. I have this irrational anxious fear that I'm going to say something or do something to change how you feel about me.

Not that I'm going to change, but that you're going to get to know me better and decide I'm really not the kind of person you want to be with once you know more about me."

She sighed a little, reaching across the table to grasp his hand in hers.

"There's not a lot of people in my life who like me for who I 'actually am'."

Her small hand squeezed more firmly around his fingers.

[themanoutoftime]

He adjusted his hand to her grip so he could link their fingers together. "I'd like to know more about you, Toni," he said sighing. "I really would. And I'm not going to suddenly decide that I don't like you. Nothing you say could do that."

[iam_ironwoman]

"That's a big promise to make. There's... a lot you don't know."

She pressed her hand into his, tightening the link of their fingers.

"Suppose I'm assuming a lot though, thinking you'll just change your mind on a whim. You usually give things more thought than that."

[themanoutoftime]

"I do." He ran his thumb over her knuckles, trying to be comforting. He really wasn't the type to change his mind once it was made up. Really.

"It'd be nice if you could trust me."